Lily “I’m Nowhere Near As Talented As My Father” Allen. Gary “I Used To Be Your Mother’s Favourite” Barlow from Take That. James “You’re Beautiful (And I’m A Drippy Ex-Soldier With A Whiny Voice)” Blunt. R&B ‘star’ Taio Cruz (nope, no idea either). Gary “I Used To Be Big In The Eighties, Honest” Kemp from Spandau Ballet. And that poncey public schoolboy singer with the double-barrelled surname from Keane.
What do they all have in common? Well, they’ve decided to brave public ridicule and openly state their opposition to all that dreadfully dishonest file-sharing and music piracy that is apparently killing pop music for da kidz. Innit. Or something.
So if you were suffering a moment’s guilt over your extensive MP3 collection and trying to find a justifiable reason for firing up your favourite Bittorrent client yet again, there it is. Five famous pop stars (and Taio Cruz, whom I still haven’t heard of) taking a narrow-minded view of where the big, bold and bright future is headed, all because they’re worried about the state of their multi-million pound bank balances.
Oh, and for the sake of political balance - and as proof that this really is a battle of The Crap Kids versus The Cook Kids - in the opposite corner we have the Featured Artists’ Coalition, an alliance of music industry types who are vehemently opposed to the government’s sledgehammer proposals to suspend the internet accounts of suspected file-sharers. Among the famous names who have recently spoken out against the alarmist and draconian plans have been Billy Bragg (cool as Barking), one of the guitarists from Radiohead (cool, even though he’s the one I can never remember), the drummer from Blur (yes, he’s ginger, but he’s still cool) and the drummer from Pink Floyd (oh damn, well, there has to be a square one in every cool line-up, doesn’t there?)
To conclude: remember, music fans - when you next get online, be sure to download Lily Allen’s entire back catalogue and then immediately delete it from your computer. Not because it’s illegal and you’ve been very very naughty, but because she’s rubbish.
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